For Better or Worse...

It's no longer cold and snowing so I must write of the spring that is almost over. Hidden feelings can not be uncovered if words are not written or spoken, right? Wrong. I did believe that and on top of it, I convinced myself that I needed not to write as I had no idea what I was feeling anyway. Hence, the discovery never came. Unfolding inner feelings are opened best through expression for me, so excuse me as I become reaquainted with myself in the next few weeks. I commit to write more often and think more deeply. It is time.

First, I have a watermellon #5 inside. It is ripening quickly and we will enjoy the "fruits of my labor" in September. My 4th son has already caused me some awakening and I am grateful to be modivated to feel The Spirit more, so that I can be prepared to receive another sweet spirit in my life. I am thrilled to have another boy, for all of you who laugh and say, "Oh, poor Ellie." It is an honor and pure joy to be blessed with another son. I LOVE to wrestle, rough around have another little baby "boyfriend" who adores to snuggle his mother. I feel of his presence at times which causes me to be still, but not often enough. I hope before he comes that I will learn to quiet my voice, to soften my heart, and slow my step. This has been an ongoing goal for several years, and I hope to someday to reach it.

Secondly, I am being compelled to learn a few things that come only through heartache and watching another suffer. As I have watched (from a distance) my Mom fighting cancer with all the horrors and terrible days she is enduring, I am fighting to know how and what to feel and do. I am reminded often of my love and adoration for my parents, yet I still struggle with my place as their child in how to ease burdens. I know that the Savior can carry our burdens, but it is often through the hands of others and I want so badly to be those hands, to lift up the hands that hang down, and mourn with those that mourn. O.k., I am beginning to see...

I am in awe as I watch my Dad do just that for Mom. It is a beautiful sight to see such a gentleman taking care of his bride who so desperately needs and wants only him to be at her side. I love and respect that. It is right. I think of the symbolism that is shown as we hold hands across the alter when making covenants at a sealing. How powerful to know that the Savior is the center of their lives. How grateful I am for parents who honor their covenants and who cling fiercely to each other as the prophet, Pres. Hinkley counciled us to do as spouses. I hope that Mom and Dad know that my hand, along with all of my siblings are on top of theirs, not only sealed to them through the sealing power, but there to comfort and surround on good and bad days. I am grateful for the comfort to know that Mom is a fighter and she will do everything to fight this terrible disease with Dad supporting her through it all. I also have found even greater comfort in quiet moments alone knowing that the hand of God is in this work.

Thirdly, I have been arriving at my journey of "coming home". It's a wonderful feeling when one knows that she is exactly where she should be, at least for a moment. Living in this home for the past year and a half has been an adjustment, not because I didn't feel right about it (because that is exactly why we purchased this cute little cottage), but because it hasn't felt our own yet. Now I am finally getting a glimpse of our home, and what it is becoming. I want it to be a gathering place for the neighbors and their children as it was yesterday with 9 or 10 children playing badmitten and "girls band" in the front yard. I want it to be not only a place of playing, but a place to teach work. I realized a month ago that I was neglecting to plant a garden because the kids were begging to keep their soccer field. After realizing that our priorities were a little off, we have ripped out some sod and planted a garden, planted shrubs and a peach tree, and begun redoing the fireplace. I have loved playing more in the yard, working more in the yard, and spending cool moments with the children rocking on the front porch. I LOVE our neighbors and can not get enough of our spontaneous gatherings and meaningful conversations. I have sooo many mentors around me who not only are teaching me the kind of life I want to live, but who accept and adore my children. I feel many opportunities to serve those around me and it is humbling to feel prayers being answered. I have loved morning runs with my sister, quiet sunrise hikes alone in fields of yellow snapdragons, and many exciting soccer games to cheer on Ellie, Tanner and Jarem. I know our family has been greatly blessed also as Brandon has been away more in his service. There are so many more opportunities to teach the children certain principles as we can see their Dad actually living them. He has been such a wonderful Dad and husband even in his most exhausting times.

There is so much to be enjoyed when I live in the moment and not just look forward to where we will be going next. I yearn to see, to hear, and to feel the hand of God more in my life weather it is during exhilerating and happy days, or in times when I water my pillow by night. Writing is allowing me to do just that. Congradulations if you made it through this marathon thought process.